I have tried to remain upbeat and mildly cheerful here online. But I need a moment to step away. I can not fight the loneliness. I am doing a great job of keeping occupied. I really have not spent much time alone. I have made new friends. I am keeping busy. I have packed up the girls for all sorts of adventures. But I can not get past feeling lonely. I do great in crowds, but not in bathroom stalls or closets. A few moments of sobbing can go a long way. And no one suspects a thing if you do not wear eyeliner or mascara.
Things I want to share with my husband, I can not. He is not here for the little moments good and bad. I can not just call him. I can send email, but I don't know that he has Internet. So I wait. And I miss his smile, his laugh, his smell, his hugs, his voice. I actually miss glowering at "Family Guy". (not enough to watch it myself, mind you) So many times in the day I find myself thinking of things to tell him if he calls. I wonder how his training is going. I wonder if he likes the food. Does he have Monster for the quick pick me up? All of the small, nothing-exciting moments in life. He does not know about chicken melt Monday. Or that Dave Ramsey is fun to listen to. Or that I really can not remember the song lyrics from choir practice, but that I hum and sing the songs for days afterward. My husband/soul mate/heart is missing and will not be back for a long while.
Yesterday morning, we all laid on a blanket in the living room floor to watch Mickey Mouse. Me, Emily, Allison, and Bandit. My intent was to steal some more sleepy time. My reward was a heartwarming/wrenching moment of realization that this is how life is going to be. We were snug as bug in a rug. Emily was nestled against my chest dozing. Sucking on her left thumb as she likes to do. Allison was curled against my legs telling me which character was on screen at the moment. Letting me know her milk was cold. Bandit was nudging the backs of my legs in efforts to truly fit onto the blanket. He licked my leg every once and a while hoping I would make a little more space for him. I was on my right side wishing I could capture the innocence of the moment to replay time and again. Bitter sweetness realizing the gift the God has given me, but taken from my husband. Locked in a beautiful tableau of family life. Until Bandit sneezed and the moment was gone. As was Allison as she took off to parts unknown, laughing all the way. Bandit in hot pursuit.
Please do not feel badly for me. I am not looking for sympathy. I do not want pity. I have broad shoulders which are stronger than I ever knew. I do not have a bad life. I have great friends, family, children, and dog. I have a secure job and all my needs covered. The Tigers are ranked in the top 25. Fall is here which means Christmas is on its way. I have learned what it means to truly pray for something or someone with every fiber of my being. I have Jesus who loves me. That should be enough to cover it.
Yet here am I.
Lonely.
8 comments:
You are being so raw and honest. I feel inept at knowing what to say, if anything.
I know that I can't truly know what you're going through===and I'm not going to say this is the same, however, I felt like I could really relate to the lonely. You described it so well.
I need to remember your 'fix' (Jesus) when I start to feel the lonely too!
great post.
thank you ms. melissa. i said a little more than i meant to, but it all came out. a little messy, but hopefully dealt with now that it has been put into words.
now i am definately going to have to find something cheerful to write! i don't think i want to be the sad/downer girl. ; not sure what that will be, so stay tuned!
You know, if you are doubting this post at all, please know that it did wonders for me tonight. Chris and I haven't been on the same page for about a week and things got pretty prickly yesterday. But today, you have made me think twice. Thank you for this. These things are what blogs are for.
i can understand that feeling. reading it made me remember days that I felt like that too, and i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
You are such a strong woman; I admire you!
Oh the bathroom stalls!
I think one of the things about crap happening in your life is that you realize how precious some moments are...moments that I took for granted when I thought I would have them for 80 years. I love your honesty!
Hey N, Will you email me again? I've lost your email in the mix and I want to send you something! Thanks!
Lvmynefews@aol.com
I love your authenticity.
Yay for having you as my friend!
Nat, I can't say that I understand what you're going through. But, I've seen your vulnerability and strength all at once and am in awe. I hope that, should I have to face it someday, I can be half the woman you are. I've been praying that God will meet you where you are because I know that He will. We love you!
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