Run for Life

I've been a bad, bad girl..... I ran/walked a 5K today. I was told by my physical therapist not to do that. And he might have known what he was talking about. I had to walk about half of it, because my foot hurt again. That was not so nice. But I felt good being out and being active. The 1st mile, the part i ran completely, was a less than 10 minutes. The 2nd mile, 1/2 walked was 12 minutes. Last mile, all walk, 15 minutes. So no new land speed records, but I finished. I finished!

I am so tired of being sidelined and not being able to do what I want to do! I have never been a runner. In fact, a few years ago I would have told you the only reason to run was because you were 1)chasing something 2)being chased. But this summer, while on maternity leave, I found it to be liberating. And I have goals! I am really set on these goals too it seems. These aren't like New Year's resolutions, these are real goals. But I hurt my foot. And learned from my PT that I'm not "bio-mechanically" inclined to run effectively. But I'm no quitter! I thought since my foot didn't hurt, I could run today. Not so much. But I did finish the race. I wasn't last either.


My babysitter, Nancy, pretty much kicks butt. She was nice enough to watch the girls so I could go run my heart out. She has been super since Shane has been gone. She is a single mom of a 15 yo boy. I don't know how Nancy has scraped by as a single mom for 15 years, but she has. She has held many jobs, and now she has a daycare. She has been a great help with Allison. And she has an investment in my children. Not everyone can say that. I can say God has blessed me with her as a friend. I would post a picture, but she won't let me take one. She was nice enough to take these pics today for me. I wanted photographic evedence that I did show up and run today. Silly maybe, but special to me. Just like I save all my numbers.

I'm a such a packrat!

Big News

We had a banner evening here in Crazy Land. Miss Emily ate her first bites of cereal! Yes it was a fabulous menu of rice cereal mixed with breast milk. Dinner of Champions! She was really hungry tonight, so this was the perfect time to try this adventure. Our sitter, Nancy, mentioned it when I picked the girls up this evening. Allison helped us of course. Mostly morale support. I licked my lips and made funny faces until I caught myself. Glad Allison can't use a camera yet! I did get the moment on video tape. Something I vowed I wouldn't do, when I was younger. Guess I'm eating those words now.

Singing in the Rain

I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love
Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the rain

by Nacio Herb Brown
from MGM motion picture Singin in the Rain


Wooo Hoooo! It's raining! That is fabulous news, since I am having to water the lawn in hopes of having grass next spring. Has anyone else had the fun experience of having grub worms move into their neighborhood? I did not know what the large yellowing patches in my yard were anything other than dry grass. Then 3 neighbors in one night clued me into the newest residents of my property. The bad news: a good third of my yard was dead at this point. The good news: the neighbors were already planning on aerating, overseeding, and fertilizing if I wanted to buy in! I do have some new grass visible. I have really great neighbors who are taking care of my yard for me. They move the sprinklers where ever they need to go. I am not talking once or twice. I'm talking hours of watering with lots of moving. And they mow my lawn too. So WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Bring on the rain.

By the way, this song is from one of the best movies ever! Singin in the Rain starring Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynold, and Donald O Connor. I highly recommend it if you have not seen it yet. Singing it at the top of you lungs is also moderately theraputic and entertaining! ;)

loneliness

I have tried to remain upbeat and mildly cheerful here online. But I need a moment to step away. I can not fight the loneliness. I am doing a great job of keeping occupied. I really have not spent much time alone. I have made new friends. I am keeping busy. I have packed up the girls for all sorts of adventures. But I can not get past feeling lonely. I do great in crowds, but not in bathroom stalls or closets. A few moments of sobbing can go a long way. And no one suspects a thing if you do not wear eyeliner or mascara.

Things I want to share with my husband, I can not. He is not here for the little moments good and bad. I can not just call him. I can send email, but I don't know that he has Internet. So I wait. And I miss his smile, his laugh, his smell, his hugs, his voice. I actually miss glowering at "Family Guy". (not enough to watch it myself, mind you) So many times in the day I find myself thinking of things to tell him if he calls. I wonder how his training is going. I wonder if he likes the food. Does he have Monster for the quick pick me up? All of the small, nothing-exciting moments in life. He does not know about chicken melt Monday. Or that Dave Ramsey is fun to listen to. Or that I really can not remember the song lyrics from choir practice, but that I hum and sing the songs for days afterward. My husband/soul mate/heart is missing and will not be back for a long while.

Yesterday morning, we all laid on a blanket in the living room floor to watch Mickey Mouse. Me, Emily, Allison, and Bandit. My intent was to steal some more sleepy time. My reward was a heartwarming/wrenching moment of realization that this is how life is going to be. We were snug as bug in a rug. Emily was nestled against my chest dozing. Sucking on her left thumb as she likes to do. Allison was curled against my legs telling me which character was on screen at the moment. Letting me know her milk was cold. Bandit was nudging the backs of my legs in efforts to truly fit onto the blanket. He licked my leg every once and a while hoping I would make a little more space for him. I was on my right side wishing I could capture the innocence of the moment to replay time and again. Bitter sweetness realizing the gift the God has given me, but taken from my husband. Locked in a beautiful tableau of family life. Until Bandit sneezed and the moment was gone. As was Allison as she took off to parts unknown, laughing all the way. Bandit in hot pursuit.

Please do not feel badly for me. I am not looking for sympathy. I do not want pity. I have broad shoulders which are stronger than I ever knew. I do not have a bad life. I have great friends, family, children, and dog. I have a secure job and all my needs covered. The Tigers are ranked in the top 25. Fall is here which means Christmas is on its way. I have learned what it means to truly pray for something or someone with every fiber of my being. I have Jesus who loves me. That should be enough to cover it.

Yet here am I.

Lonely.

Mass confusion!

OK, no I'm not going to take down my blog. I am just getting warmed up! No I'm not having any more problems than usual. Same junk, different day. Yes, I am as sane as usual. Still sideshow entertainment. Still looking for Hershey's syrup w/Breyer's Vanilla Bean ice cream. mmmmmmm ice cream.......

love,love,love!

my last post

got some unintended attention! My mom called last night asking what was wrong. I had to admit nothing was up with me. I had to tell her that a few friends were dealing with some heavy stuff right now. Kelly is moving and starting a new job. Karianne is healing after her dad's death. Obviously Shane is living half a world away. The straw that broke the camel's back, causing me to post "Cry Out to Jesus", my friend Charity found out she has cancer. She is 26, a nurse, and needs all the loving support available. Since this song has been a blessing to me this week, I thought I would pass it on.

Other blessings of the week include: Pancakes, Kelly, FPU, Jen & Adam Wheeler, the great weather, chocolate, Emma & Matt Walker, my family, Mizzou football, Facebook messages, Bandit NOT scratching, Prilosec OTC, Allison's laughter, Emily rolling over(!), and Shane's 1st email from overseas(yippee, hurray, woo hoo!!!!!)

oh and ice cream with Hershey's syrup....mmmmmmm Hershey's syrup.

with love from Natalie ;)

Cry Out to Jesus

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

by Third Day



This is the song in my head consistently this week. I hope it can bring solice to others too. I know each of us has our difficulties right now. (Even when everything is going "right") I have been praying so much lately, I think I have Jesus on speed dial! ;) Thankfully He doesn't block calls.

Busy times

This weekend was a fun, but busy weekend! Kelly is moving this week. So we had a little PARTY for her. It was lots of fun and lots of good food. The girls and I left before the festivities really got underway, but we had fun while we were there. Allison enjoyed entertaining everyone. She is so smart! She was talking about colors and matching colors with a domino set. I am just so proud. I am sure this is nothing really remarkable for a 2 year old, but it's my first time around the block. Please give me some leeway to beam about my big girl. She is also getting to be sooooooooo much more tolerant of social situations. Hurrah!!! She used to get tired and cause a stir. Not quite as much now. I'm also a little better prepared for her to almost tackle my knees with hugs. Now she only gets me off balance half the time. ;) Miss Emily was also a hit at the party. She is such a tolerant baby! Everyone passed her around and she just chewed on every one's shoulder. I could tell who had been holding her by the wet shirt shoulders and sleeves! I got a kick out of it.



Saturday morning was the annual alumni/parent pancake breakfast for my college at the University. It was kinda fun. I've haven't been to one since I was in school. Allison was all over the pancakes. No big surprise there. Emily just took in the sights. I dressed Allison in a cheerleader outfit that I bought for her. I didn't try it on her before I washed it. Oppps. I ended up having to put a skort on under it so her diaper wasn't hanging out! She is just too tall and skinny. Emily was proudly sporting her Tiger logo shirt and shorts. I have to admit to putting one of those stretchy bows on her head so that she looked like a girl. I just didn't feel like correcting everyone that day I guess. We didn't see any of my old classmates, but we had a good time anyway. I even got a sign up of a 5K in a few weeks. Look out world here we come! The only downside: Scott, my physical therapist, indicated that I wouldn't be running the 5K. So I guess I'll take the girls with me and we call all be in the 5K. This will be Emily's 1st, but Allison's 3rd. Woo hoo!



The first home game of the season was this weekend. My parents came up so dad could join me in the stands cheering on the Tigers. My mom on the other hand, stayed home with the girls. I offered to take her to the game instead of dad, but she did not thing that was such a good trade. I even told her I'd teach her to how to yell. She reeeeeally didn't seem interested in that. :) My parents are too darn cool to help me out and visit so much. I know my dad will say it's a shame to let a football ticket go to waste, so it is the least he could do to help out. Mom just loves seeing the babies. I think both have taken to grandparenthood quite well. Mom even brought Allison a shirt that read "if I need to be spoiled call 1 800 Grandma". As if that were ever in doubt.

Sunday was a great visit with our friends James and Michelle and their son Jonas. They are hoping to sell their house and have moved already. James and Jonas came over to nap after church while Michelle held the open house. Once the open house was over Michelle came over for dinner. Allison and Jonas were excited about the pizza, but were apparently too full of Goldfish to eat any. Allison cracked me up by yelling "pzza" when I carried the box into the kitchen. We had a great time and a nice visit. Allison and Jonas were really good together. Jonas kept trying to steal Allison's sippee cup. He's a crafty little man.....

Ok, so this is the longest post ever in the history of Natalie. I hope it's not too boring. I have had a complaint that I haven't posted in a while. After this, I doubt anyone will be so bold! ;)

this weather

absolutely ROCKS! I am about ready to quit my job so that I can enjoy it more. Okay, not so much...but I had that dream as I was walking to my car this evening. Thank you God for such a great time of year!

I should also mention being thankful for: 1) choir practice with Suzanne and Emily, 2) yogurt facials with Allison, 3) steriods, antibiotics, antihistamines, and tranquilizers for Bandit, 4) supportive, positive friends (new and old) to help me through this life, 5) boat loads of ibuprophen and chocolate ;)

gratitude

This is difficult day. We all know this is the 6 year anniversary of the attack on the Twin Towers and Pentagon. The image of the 2nd plane plowing into the build is etched into memory. That picture is still hard to wrap my mind around. The husband of one of my co-workers is still silent about working search and recovery at Ground Zero. He is a jovial and friendly guy, but is not able to express in any form the devastation he saw. He doesn't like the smell of concrete to this day. Another co-worker's husband was also with Task Force One for the trip. His life has also been forever changed by this event. How I would deal with those memories? I am so thankful for their bravery and giving. I think back to my best friend, with a government job then, who had to stand at arms ready to defend her workplace against possible attack. I was the privileged one who was able to speak with her first that day. We were actually on the phone when the second Tower was hit. All the phone circuits were busy with others like us. Her parents were unable to get through for a long time. Worried that she might have been somewhere in DC injured or worse. And I was the one who got through to share the shock and fear and adrenaline with her.

I also recall the fear of Shane being called to serve 7 months before our wedding. He was in training, and I was calling allllllllll sorts of people at his job trying to get through. I was new to the military scene and had no idea if he would have time to let me know he was leaving. He didn't leave, but I was awakened to the fact that I could lose my almost husband to service and possibly worse at anytime. This wasn't just playing GI Joe. Something I strive to come to terms with as I think about this deployment.

So what does all this muck have to do with gratitude, you ask? I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to all those who give their all to keep me safe on a daily basis. The many medics and firefighters I have worked with over the years. My friend Chris who works as a police officer. My friend Jennifer who bravely tried to protect our country from harm. To Tom (and his dog Tuff) for trying to make families whole and bring closure by giving back the remains of the victims. To Eric for accepting the call to duty. Thank you all.

And finally to Shane for being ready and willing to answer the call to defend when it comes. He puts a lot into his work and has sacrificed for our protection. He should be on another continent by now. Literally half a world away from his small, but growing family: Allison who finally told me she loved me tonight and then asked for ice cream. Emily who belly laughs and grins as wide as she can. Bandit who just wants to lick his feet and play. I just want to hold him and never let him go. Shane we love and thank you.

Go There With You

I know you've heard me say these words before
But every time I say I love you the words mean something more
I spoke them as a promise right from the start
I said death would be the only thing that could tear us apart
And now that you are standing on the edge of the unknown
I love you means I'll be with you wherever you must go

I see it in your tears - you wonder where you are
The wind is growing colder and the sky is growing dark
Though it's something neither of us understands
We can walk through this together if we hold each other's hand
I said for better or worse I'd be with you
So no matter where you're going I will go there too

I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you

I know sometimes I let you down
But I won't let you go - we'll always be together

by Steven Curtis Chapman




I mentioned my husband, Shane, was deploying soon. Soon is here. Yuck. I am so filled with emotion, I can't see straight. I am fearful as he travels. I am overwhelmed that he is really gone. I am sad for the year he is going to miss in the lives of 2 very special little girls. I am sad for my little girls who will miss the things only a daddy can give. I am hurt to have my soul walking out my door. I am hoping he knows how much he means to me. That I didn't leave anything unspoken. I think that is one of my big fears in life; not letting people know just how special they are to me. Many of the people who know me will say that is impossible for me to NOT let the world know what I think.....

I know this is a little dramatic, but what's a blog for if not to express life? All I can do is sit here, pray to God for protection, look for advice, and hope that time moves quickly. So if there are any military mommas, seasoned mommies, or single moms out there with advice for coping, bring it on! All you others better start sending the jokes and funny stories so that I can find a bright spot each day. That is if I need anything more than the yogurt covered face of a 2 year old. Or the newly learned "raspberries" of a 5 month old. Or the fuzzy face of a loving Bandit. :)

Hey, it's only 11 months until he returns.... Woo hoo!

My first crack at this....

Hi everyone. I'm now the proud owner of a blog. Woo hoo. This may take time to fully take shape, but I am sure it will be exciting! Here is a quick run down of life on this side of the internet.

As you have probably noted, I am the proud mom of 2 beautiful little girls. Allison is the fabulously crazy and energetic 2 year old. My new shining achievement is Emily the 4 month old. My husband, Shane, has been deployed with the military for the next year. I hope this will become an outlet for communication with all sorts of friends and family. I am sure through the work of some helpful angels (Kelly;), I will get this blogging thing figured out. So stay tuned for the thrills, chills, and spills we experience in the game of life.

Oh yeah, Bandit is my wonder dog. His likeness will appear shortly. I know everyone will want to see the dog who inspired a blog name. Right? ;)

Until then, adeiu to you

My Little Girl

Gotta hold on easy
As I let you go.
Gonna tell you how much I love you,
Though you think you already know.

I remember I thought you looked like an angel
Wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger
Since the day you were born.

Beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road
That'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be,
My little girl.

by Tim McGraw