The Rainbow Connection
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions but only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some
Choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that,
And someone believed it
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing,
And what do we think we might see.
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
All of us under its spell
We know that it's probably magic.
Have you been half-asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound that
Calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be.
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
La da da dee da da do
La da da da da dee da do
Originally performed by Kermit the Frog
Lyrics and Music by Paul Williams and Ken Ascher
Do you have anything you don't really want to admit to your friends, much less yourself? (I'll make that a rhetorical, so don't worry about facing anything too soon.... ;) OK.....here I go.... I've got the nerve, the courage, the moxy. Not too long ago, I said outloud something I have been avoiding for months: I want to matter to someone. More acutely, I want to be loved. Sole crushingly, seriously, can't live my life without you loved.
When you have your world view shattered and life dreams stolen, it is hard to consider allowing yourself to share your life with another. Not so sure I could find all the pieces of my.
There are two beautiful little girls who don't need more confusion. It is hard enough for me to make sense of a failed marriage, so I can't fathom what it has meant to them. Every now and again, the Princess makes comments about daddy being gone. I almost had to pull off the road when she told me it was her fault her daddy move to a new place. I tear up typing it, and cringe facing it. So why dear Lord, do I have that innate desire to have someone around?
I guess that is where Kermit the Frog popped up. But am I strong enough? Am I able to let go of the bad stuff?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I just don't get it
The game of life after divorce is really hard to figure out. Seriously.
Let's start with the job description for mommy, add the 40+ hours for the work week. Home owner extraordinaire then gets added to the fun. Now, it is important for your mental and physical health to "take care of you". Try having some social time with your friends to keep you connected to something other than the Disney Channel or words only used by children.
OK, so if you aren't overwhelmed by any of that crap, add in the innate human desire to share some moments with a member of the opposite sex. That's right, this tortured existence we call "dating". But dating is not the game you played a while back. There are new hazards to course. First and foremost: you have children. I am as neurotic as they come, so I am fearful of introducing my girls to anyone too quickly. (not a problem at this point!) Or the horrible thoughts of becoming the subject of an episode of Oprah or a Lifetime Movie about some weirdo sick man taking advantage of my kids somehow. (yes, I have a active imagination) So after you talk yourself into wanting to be closer to "normal", you have to deal with the insecurities of body image. I am not going to be asked to pose for any swimwear or fashion mags anytime soon. I have the body of a 30 something with 2 children. I would love a tummy tuck and a boob lift. But I would settle to have a bladder lift to get me out of the toilet habits of a squirrel. Seriously, a squirrel. That's no fun, but the insecurity of second guessing is *way* more damaging. I don't really seem to read people correctly anymore. Now I wonder if I ever really had any of it right. But the best side effect of divorce seems to be the lack of self confidence. All I see is negatives of me. And compliments are statements to dodge and avoid. My friends are great. They try to boost my confidence, tell me I'm everything a man could want and more. Heck, someone was kind enough to say there would be a line of potential suitors around the block. Don't worry, I haven't had problems controlling the crowd. *whew* But compliments hurt. They allow you to hope. Hope that this smart, attractive guy who makes you smile and laugh will stick around a little longer. That he will find you attractive and smart and everything good. This all works just long enough for the new relationship crack to really hook in your system. Then reality hits. And something is wrong. You end up back at in the same hole you crawled out of. "what is wrong with me? was it.........? or maybe it was....... Insert you favorite problem area of your life/body/psyche here. Maybe joining the convent after childbirth could work. Oh wait I'm not Catholic. And I like to cuss. *crap*
None of what I have mentioned is particularly fun. I think that was a given the day I started contemplating single parenthood. It is draining to sustain 3 humans and a dog. No matter how wonderful any of those lives are it is a complete drain. So there is a special little piece of hell for the single parent when an job opportunity presents itself. It looks like a great fit. Look through the job description and figure out that you are saying yes to everything other than "prior management experience". But that's ok, the person hiring you knows who you are and what you can do. If they think you can do the job, you can do the job. EXCEPT for the part that you would be on call. Or have the possibility of getting called in in the middle of the night. You can't do that. You can't drag a 2 year old and a 4 year old into a hospital at 0330. No matter how you cut it, sliced it, or diced it the was not going to work. So sadly you have to decline the offer of a great job. And you have to stare at yourself in the mirror and say "everything happens for a reason" just like you have for the past 2 years. And you feel trapped. Limited by the fact that you are one person and you can't cover all the bases. No matter how hard you try.
I just don't get it.
Let's start with the job description for mommy, add the 40+ hours for the work week. Home owner extraordinaire then gets added to the fun. Now, it is important for your mental and physical health to "take care of you". Try having some social time with your friends to keep you connected to something other than the Disney Channel or words only used by children.
OK, so if you aren't overwhelmed by any of that crap, add in the innate human desire to share some moments with a member of the opposite sex. That's right, this tortured existence we call "dating". But dating is not the game you played a while back. There are new hazards to course. First and foremost: you have children. I am as neurotic as they come, so I am fearful of introducing my girls to anyone too quickly. (not a problem at this point!) Or the horrible thoughts of becoming the subject of an episode of Oprah or a Lifetime Movie about some weirdo sick man taking advantage of my kids somehow. (yes, I have a active imagination) So after you talk yourself into wanting to be closer to "normal", you have to deal with the insecurities of body image. I am not going to be asked to pose for any swimwear or fashion mags anytime soon. I have the body of a 30 something with 2 children. I would love a tummy tuck and a boob lift. But I would settle to have a bladder lift to get me out of the toilet habits of a squirrel. Seriously, a squirrel. That's no fun, but the insecurity of second guessing is *way* more damaging. I don't really seem to read people correctly anymore. Now I wonder if I ever really had any of it right. But the best side effect of divorce seems to be the lack of self confidence. All I see is negatives of me. And compliments are statements to dodge and avoid. My friends are great. They try to boost my confidence, tell me I'm everything a man could want and more. Heck, someone was kind enough to say there would be a line of potential suitors around the block. Don't worry, I haven't had problems controlling the crowd. *whew* But compliments hurt. They allow you to hope. Hope that this smart, attractive guy who makes you smile and laugh will stick around a little longer. That he will find you attractive and smart and everything good. This all works just long enough for the new relationship crack to really hook in your system. Then reality hits. And something is wrong. You end up back at in the same hole you crawled out of. "what is wrong with me? was it.........? or maybe it was....... Insert you favorite problem area of your life/body/psyche here. Maybe joining the convent after childbirth could work. Oh wait I'm not Catholic. And I like to cuss. *crap*
None of what I have mentioned is particularly fun. I think that was a given the day I started contemplating single parenthood. It is draining to sustain 3 humans and a dog. No matter how wonderful any of those lives are it is a complete drain. So there is a special little piece of hell for the single parent when an job opportunity presents itself. It looks like a great fit. Look through the job description and figure out that you are saying yes to everything other than "prior management experience". But that's ok, the person hiring you knows who you are and what you can do. If they think you can do the job, you can do the job. EXCEPT for the part that you would be on call. Or have the possibility of getting called in in the middle of the night. You can't do that. You can't drag a 2 year old and a 4 year old into a hospital at 0330. No matter how you cut it, sliced it, or diced it the was not going to work. So sadly you have to decline the offer of a great job. And you have to stare at yourself in the mirror and say "everything happens for a reason" just like you have for the past 2 years. And you feel trapped. Limited by the fact that you are one person and you can't cover all the bases. No matter how hard you try.
I just don't get it.
Monday, April 13, 2009
so.....
you are sitting in your living room with your laptop.
you see a commercial for match.com. for once listen to them when they say "it's ok to look".
they lied.
you see your soon to be ex-husband has a profile and has "been active within 24 hours".
you read said profile and just don't understand anything. you really, really wonder if you ever did.
you then delete your shiny new membership after perusing a few more profiles, seeing that the men you choose really don't want to date women with kids.
welcome to the new frontier.
again, this sucks.
ps: no tears were shed in the making of this message. seen as a good sign.
you see a commercial for match.com. for once listen to them when they say "it's ok to look".
they lied.
you see your soon to be ex-husband has a profile and has "been active within 24 hours".
you read said profile and just don't understand anything. you really, really wonder if you ever did.
you then delete your shiny new membership after perusing a few more profiles, seeing that the men you choose really don't want to date women with kids.
welcome to the new frontier.
again, this sucks.
ps: no tears were shed in the making of this message. seen as a good sign.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Stupid Grey's Anatomy
OK so I haven’t posted anything in a while. Might be simplifying it a little. It has been 6 months. I wish this has been a fun filled, great smiley time. Not so much.
I caught a little bit of Grey’s Anatomy tonight. I haven’t really watched Grey’s since the first season. Some of my friends like it, so I thought I would get back into the swing. I came into it with about 1/3 of the show left tonight. An older man, watching his beloved wife dying, tried to revoke a Do Not Resuscitate order. The doctors did not follow this request. They reminded him of the DNR. This was a possible outcome. There was nothing more to be done. Even if they restarted her heart, she would be irreparably damaged. This sweet looking, broken hearted gent started pleading with his wife not to leave him. Then he started performing CPR on her. After a cut-away or two to highlight other plot lines, my little old man was still performing CPR needing oxygen by mask from one of the surgeons. When he was too tired to go on, she took over for him until he was ready to call it off.
This had me in tears. Not because it was completely not true to life. Not because I stood by as similar scenarios played out. I cried because a real truth hit home. I want that. I want the love that someone is willing to fight to keep me here. I want to be so important to someone, he can not imagine life without me.
I am sad to admit that I don’t have that in my life. I have great family. I have fabulous friends. My co-workers have rallied around me and shared more than I would have ever imagined. My stylist rocks, so I have good hair with believable color. I have beautiful girls who make me smile and laugh. But when I’m alone, I really am alone.
There are so many triumphs and tribulations that are supposed to be shared in life. As a mother, there are many joys that should be celebrated. Many battles to come that would be better faced united, not divided. As a woman, I don't know where to start. Actually I think Cheap Trick stated it perfectly “I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I’d love you to love me.”
Now understand, I am not a gushy mess all the time. I’m not missing out on life too much. I don’t cry everyday. I smile and talk to all sorts of people. I have an amazing new perspective on *SO* many country songs! I have a good lawyer; she is trying to keep me focused on the future. It is difficult to make an emotional life-long commitment into a business deal with a severance package. But that is pretty much what it is. It is difficult to get my heart to understand this is not about me or my shortcomings. My brain knows it really doesn’t matter what I say, do, think, or feel. It’s not about me; I’m just along for the ride. But my heart is still lost in this mess.
So maybe, with this air-clearing, goo-filled post, I can get past the writer’s block. There are some really great people I’ve been missing. My girls are still cute. Potty training is going to KILL me. It will be difficult to find time, so it might be sporadic. But I’m game if you are.....
I caught a little bit of Grey’s Anatomy tonight. I haven’t really watched Grey’s since the first season. Some of my friends like it, so I thought I would get back into the swing. I came into it with about 1/3 of the show left tonight. An older man, watching his beloved wife dying, tried to revoke a Do Not Resuscitate order. The doctors did not follow this request. They reminded him of the DNR. This was a possible outcome. There was nothing more to be done. Even if they restarted her heart, she would be irreparably damaged. This sweet looking, broken hearted gent started pleading with his wife not to leave him. Then he started performing CPR on her. After a cut-away or two to highlight other plot lines, my little old man was still performing CPR needing oxygen by mask from one of the surgeons. When he was too tired to go on, she took over for him until he was ready to call it off.
This had me in tears. Not because it was completely not true to life. Not because I stood by as similar scenarios played out. I cried because a real truth hit home. I want that. I want the love that someone is willing to fight to keep me here. I want to be so important to someone, he can not imagine life without me.
I am sad to admit that I don’t have that in my life. I have great family. I have fabulous friends. My co-workers have rallied around me and shared more than I would have ever imagined. My stylist rocks, so I have good hair with believable color. I have beautiful girls who make me smile and laugh. But when I’m alone, I really am alone.
There are so many triumphs and tribulations that are supposed to be shared in life. As a mother, there are many joys that should be celebrated. Many battles to come that would be better faced united, not divided. As a woman, I don't know where to start. Actually I think Cheap Trick stated it perfectly “I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I’d love you to love me.”
Now understand, I am not a gushy mess all the time. I’m not missing out on life too much. I don’t cry everyday. I smile and talk to all sorts of people. I have an amazing new perspective on *SO* many country songs! I have a good lawyer; she is trying to keep me focused on the future. It is difficult to make an emotional life-long commitment into a business deal with a severance package. But that is pretty much what it is. It is difficult to get my heart to understand this is not about me or my shortcomings. My brain knows it really doesn’t matter what I say, do, think, or feel. It’s not about me; I’m just along for the ride. But my heart is still lost in this mess.
So maybe, with this air-clearing, goo-filled post, I can get past the writer’s block. There are some really great people I’ve been missing. My girls are still cute. Potty training is going to KILL me. It will be difficult to find time, so it might be sporadic. But I’m game if you are.....
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The Big Girl Birthday Party
Before Allison:
After Allison:
Happy 3 for ME!
Look at my Baby Girl! She isn't going to be a baby for much longer.... :(
I like cake....
After Allison:
Happy 3 for ME!
Look at my Baby Girl! She isn't going to be a baby for much longer.... :(
I like cake....
Saturday, May 3, 2008
My Big Fat Month of April
April is a reallllly busy month in here in Crazyland. It was chock full of great stuff. So, I will try to fit everything in. It may get a little long, so sit back, relax, grab a snack, and enjoy the post. :)
April 1- I got a page from my boss that I had a delivery the gift shop. My boss is a HUGE prankster and LOVES April Fools’ Day jokes. I actually asked everyone, my boss included, if this was a joke. It wasn’t! My sister Melanie sent me a really great flower arrangement and chocolate to work. Best April Fools’ surprise I’ve ever gotten. I would like to be able to show you the flowers, but I can’t. I didn’t remember to take a picture before they started to wilt. :(
This is also my brother in law Mike's 30th Birthday! Happy Birthday Mike!
April 4- Happy Birthday to me! I had a wonderful night making cupcakes with Allison and having dinner with my friends Suzanne and Emily. Not the fanciest birthday I’ve ever had, but one of the nicest by far. I did get one fancy surprise, my mother in law Donna, sent me some really great purple irises. They were beautiful, but had the same problem as above: didn’t put the camera and flowers anywhere near each other. :(
The stickers on my head are compliments of Allison. She was making me a present :)
April 5&6- My friends James and Michelle came to visit. We have not gotten to see each other for quite awhile. It was great to have them staying with us. Their son Jonas is 2, so he fit well between my girls. He also liked playing with some of Allison’s toys! It was great!
April 9-12- I traveled to Nashville for a professional conference. It was an interesting time. I drove in Tuesday night after dropping the little girls at my parent’s home. They were so kind to take them for the week. I arrived at Melanie and Brett’s apartment around 2 AM. My car poured out a whole lotta coolant upon arrival. My head gasket was cracked. Neato! That had to be replaced before I left for home. Rather difficult to repair, and pay for = $1700. Did I mention, Dave Ramsey is my hero? If not for Dave’s FPU, I would be so much more freaked out. Seriously, freaked out.
To keep the fun going, I went to my conference at Opryland. Opryland is HUGE. I got lost a lot. I mean A LOT. It took me 45” to find my car in the parking lot one day. It took me 20” to actually get out to my car to leave the conference. When I went to check in for the conference, I wasn’t registered. My boss forgot to give the secretary the paper work to get me registered. I was fortunate enough to get into everything, but that was a touch stressful. But in the end, all that matters is that I got my CEUs.
I did enjoy dinner with my sister and brother in law. And I was able to see my friend Mandy for dinner the last night I was there. They were great to hang out with and we ate some good food! :) Mandy and I checked out some neat shoes.
April 15- Emily’s 1st Birthday. I have already posted it, even though the video refuses to play. Grrrrrrrrrrr
April 16- A picnic in our front yard. It was great. Allison is still asking about picnic. Emily just wanted to eat whatever she could get her hands on. Food for her or not! She thought, with her bearly toothy grin, she was ready for apples and string cheese. I ran interference enough to keep us all alive. Bandit was very attentive also. He really wanted some of the meat sticks….
April 19-20- Visiting the Jens! Two of my best friends from college are Jennifers. They are both from the KC area originally, but one lives in Milwaukee now. They were both in KC for this weekend in April and the Crazies took to the road again. We had the BEST time playing volleyball in the mud and cooking out with family and friends. Did I mention it was muddy?
We also got out for some adult entertainment Saturday evening. Jen’s mom and dad watched the girls for me very kindly. I had a great time with Jen & Joe, Sarah & Justin, Dustin, and Jen. I almost forgot that I was an old fogey!
I must also mention, I got a sunburn that day. I had to use my blush to even out my face....
A mildly sad note: Sunday was my 6th wedding anniversary. It just doesn’t feel real anymore. I feel a disconnect that seems insurmountable. I sure hope not, but my spirit is growing weak and weary.
April 26- Happy Birthday Girlies! I had our families over for a joint little girl birthday party. It was a lot of fun. We had cake and BBQ. Who could ask for anything more? The girls received some great gifts that have already been put into use. Emily put on a great show for all who wanted to see a cake smash. Allison was delicate in eating the icing from the top of the cake, but not the actual cake.
April 27- Our 1st Cardinal’s game in the new Busch Stadium! YEEEEHAAAAAA! I was worried the game would be called for rain, but we made most of the game. I can’t say Emily was really impressed. My mom and Emily took the stroller all around for a walk. Allison thought the fireworks were great. She thought the Ben&Jerry's was even better! I bought the tickets for my dad’s 66th birthday. It took a few months, but baseball season is finally here. My dad and I had a moment of realization as a foul ball came flying past us that we might want to keep an eye on the game! We were too busy coloring with Allison to notice. It was a great memory I hope to never forget.
I hope you enjoyed my labor of love. It has taken almost 24 hours to get together and posted. I will try to post a pictorial of the Big Girl Party. I might even give another go with uploading video. But please don't hold your breath. I don't have really good MOJO with the video.... ;)
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
"1"
It's a monumental day here in Crazyland. Today is Emily's First Birthday! We did not have a "proper" party. We will be having a combined party since her sister's birthday is in 3 weeks. But we could not let this day pass without some type of celebration. So the regular Tuesday night dinner girls and I had a great time watching an angelic little face become smeared and covered with frosting and sprinkles. We sang and giggled and generally enjoyed the event. Here are a few highlights. 
Shooting Star! A special cake for my special girl. The cool little star shaped cupcake cups from Reynolds were a special find for tonight's shindig. I hadn't seen these before, but I will look for them more often I assure you! They were neat-o. 
There is our feature performer now! You can't see that she is sporting 3 new teeth. She is finally getting teeth. I'm worried they are all going to spring forth at once! Motrin is my best friend! 
Allison was close at hand to "supervise" and lend technical assistance as needed. Emily didn't seem to need much help though! 
She started off slowly, a little tenatively. But she did really get into it after a few handfuls :) The still pictures are nice, but I think this really captures the moment much better!
Shooting Star! A special cake for my special girl. The cool little star shaped cupcake cups from Reynolds were a special find for tonight's shindig. I hadn't seen these before, but I will look for them more often I assure you! They were neat-o. 
There is our feature performer now! You can't see that she is sporting 3 new teeth. She is finally getting teeth. I'm worried they are all going to spring forth at once! Motrin is my best friend! 
Allison was close at hand to "supervise" and lend technical assistance as needed. Emily didn't seem to need much help though! 
She started off slowly, a little tenatively. But she did really get into it after a few handfuls :) The still pictures are nice, but I think this really captures the moment much better!
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