I just don't get it

The game of life after divorce is really hard to figure out. Seriously.


Let's start with the job description for mommy, add the 40+ hours for the work week. Home owner extraordinaire then gets added to the fun. Now, it is important for your mental and physical health to "take care of you". Try having some social time with your friends to keep you connected to something other than the Disney Channel or words only used by children.

OK, so if you aren't overwhelmed by any of that crap, add in the innate human desire to share some moments with a member of the opposite sex. That's right, this tortured existence we call "dating". But dating is not the game you played a while back. There are new hazards to course. First and foremost: you have children. I am as neurotic as they come, so I am fearful of introducing my girls to anyone too quickly. (not a problem at this point!) Or the horrible thoughts of becoming the subject of an episode of Oprah or a Lifetime Movie about some weirdo sick man taking advantage of my kids somehow. (yes, I have a active imagination) So after you talk yourself into wanting to be closer to "normal", you have to deal with the insecurities of body image. I am not going to be asked to pose for any swimwear or fashion mags anytime soon. I have the body of a 30 something with 2 children. I would love a tummy tuck and a boob lift. But I would settle to have a bladder lift to get me out of the toilet habits of a squirrel. Seriously, a squirrel.

That's no fun, but the insecurity of second guessing is *way* more damaging. I don't really seem to read people correctly anymore. Now I wonder if I ever really had any of it right. But the best side effect of divorce seems to be the lack of self confidence. All I see is negatives of me. And compliments are statements to dodge and avoid. My friends are great. They try to boost my confidence, tell me I'm everything a man could want and more. Heck, someone was kind enough to say there would be a line of potential suitors around the block. Don't worry, I haven't had problems controlling the crowd. *whew* But compliments hurt. They allow you to hope. Hope that this smart, attractive guy who makes you smile and laugh will stick around a little longer. That he will find you attractive and smart and everything good. This all works just long enough for the new relationship crack to really hook in your system. Then reality hits. And something is wrong. You end up back in the same hole you crawled out of. "what is wrong with me? was it.........? or maybe it was....... Insert you favorite problem area of your life/body/psyche here. Maybe joining the convent after childbirth could work. Oh wait I'm not Catholic. And I like to cuss. *crap*

None of what I have mentioned is particularly fun. I think that was a given the day I started contemplating single parenthood. It is draining to sustain 3 humans and a dog. No matter how wonderful any of those lives are it is a complete drain. So there is a special little piece of hell for the single parent when an job opportunity presents itself. It looks like a great fit. Look through the job description and figure out that you are saying yes to everything other than "prior management experience". But that's ok, the person hiring you knows who you are and what you can do. If they think you can do the job, you can do the job. EXCEPT for the part that you would be on call. Or have the possibility of getting called in in the middle of the night. You can't do that. You can't drag a 2 year old and a 4 year old into a hospital at 0330. No matter how you cut it, sliced it, or diced it the was not going to work. So sadly you have to decline the offer of a great job. And you have to stare at yourself in the mirror and say "everything happens for a reason" just like you have for the past 2 years. And you feel trapped. Limited by the fact that you are one person and you can't cover all the bases. No matter how hard you try.

I just don't get it.