Stupid Grey's Anatomy

OK so I haven’t posted anything in a while. Might be simplifying it a little. It has been 6 months. I wish this has been a fun filled, great smiley time. Not so much.

I caught a little bit of Grey’s Anatomy tonight. I haven’t really watched Grey’s since the first season. Some of my friends like it, so I thought I would get back into the swing. I came into it with about 1/3 of the show left tonight. An older man, watching his beloved wife dying, tried to revoke a Do Not Resuscitate order. The doctors did not follow this request. They reminded him of the DNR. This was a possible outcome. There was nothing more to be done. Even if they restarted her heart, she would be irreparably damaged. This sweet looking, broken hearted gent started pleading with his wife not to leave him. Then he started performing CPR on her. After a cut-away or two to highlight other plot lines, my little old man was still performing CPR needing oxygen by mask from one of the surgeons. When he was too tired to go on, she took over for him until he was ready to call it off.

This had me in tears. Not because it was completely not true to life. Not because I stood by as similar scenarios played out. I cried because a real truth hit home. I want that. I want the love that someone is willing to fight to keep me here. I want to be so important to someone, he can not imagine life without me.

I am sad to admit that I don’t have that in my life. I have great family. I have fabulous friends. My co-workers have rallied around me and shared more than I would have ever imagined. My stylist rocks, so I have good hair with believable color. I have beautiful girls who make me smile and laugh. But when I’m alone, I really am alone.

There are so many triumphs and tribulations that are supposed to be shared in life. As a mother, there are many joys that should be celebrated. Many battles to come that would be better faced united, not divided. As a woman, I don't know where to start. Actually I think Cheap Trick stated it perfectly “I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I’d love you to love me.”

Now understand, I am not a gushy mess all the time. I’m not missing out on life too much. I don’t cry everyday. I smile and talk to all sorts of people. I have an amazing new perspective on *SO* many country songs! I have a good lawyer; she is trying to keep me focused on the future. It is difficult to make an emotional life-long commitment into a business deal with a severance package. But that is pretty much what it is. It is difficult to get my heart to understand this is not about me or my shortcomings. My brain knows it really doesn’t matter what I say, do, think, or feel. It’s not about me; I’m just along for the ride. But my heart is still lost in this mess.

So maybe, with this air-clearing, goo-filled post, I can get past the writer’s block. There are some really great people I’ve been missing. My girls are still cute. Potty training is going to KILL me. It will be difficult to find time, so it might be sporadic. But I’m game if you are.....